12/31/09 - our fearless predictions for the future

Top 10 fearless predictions for the future:

As 2009, winds ever-so-gently to its conclusion we have consulted the tarot card reader who works in the alley behind our headquarters complex and assembled the following predictions. We know they are completely reliable because we have used this particular tarot card reader frequently for sports betting purposes.

February 2, 2010 - Michael Jackson rises from the dead and immediately takes a part-time position as a Starbucks barista.

October 9, 2010 - Actor playing a scene over the telephone pauses long enough to create the illusion of someone speaking on the other end.

December 12, 2010 through October 14, 2017 - The U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff feeling somewhat underutilized, if not perhaps a bit neglected, order invasions of Pakistan, Kuwait, New Guinea, East Timor, Juarez, Mexico, and Schenectady, New York.

February 14, 2011 - Tiger Woods renounces golf in favor of the newly resurgent ping pong craze, briefly joins a monastery, and ultimately enters into a polygamous marriage with Jessica Simpson, Roger Federer, Rachel Uchitel, and his 155 foot megayacht Privacy.

July 4, 2011 - President Obama, with coaxing overcomes his publicity phobia and gives a speech.

September 15, 2011 - The U.S. Congress temporarily puts an end to all budget deficit controversy by hiding the national checkbook register.

January 1, 2012 - China (finally!) renounces all self-interest and agrees to be guided solely by America's preferences.

April 15, 2012 - Siegfried and Roy sell rights to their dormant Las Vegas animal training act to Michael Vick who promptly renames it, Mike Vick's Las Vegas Animal Lovefest, before mysteriously disappearing during a nightly cage cleaning.

May 1, 2012 - David Letterman relocates his show to the Playboy Mansion and introduces a new nightly feature called 'Stupid Host Tricks'

November 3, 2017 - A man wears a toupee that actually fools someone.

(With thanks and apologies to George S. Kaufman and Marc Connelly)
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