delanceyplace.com 12/31/12 - things to know about call girls

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In today's selection -- practical tips from a very upscale British call girl:

"A few things I have learnt on the job: 

"Fact. In a world of twelve-year-olds in sexy boots and grannies in sparkly minidresses, the surest way to tell the prostitute walking into a hotel at Heathrow is to look for the lady in the designer suit. 

"The buildup to an appointment is almost always the same. The clients contact the agency after seeing the website. Then they ring, the manager rings me, she reconfirms with them, then they wait. I usually need two hours' notice. One hour of plucking, showering, making up and hair; one to call a minicab and get to the meeting point. The makeup sits apart from the rest of my toiletries on its own shelf. I stand in front of a full-length mirror as the layers go on: powder and cologne; knickers, bra, and stockings; dress, shoes, makeup, and hair. Three outfits in the rotation -- a modest but slinky gray jersey dress, a white-on-white checked suit, a tailored black linen dress with smart jacket. An infinite choice of underwear and shoes. 

"The last three seconds before entering the hotel are vital. Are the doors glass? If so, scan quickly for the lifts. Don't go in and just stop; don't ask the staff for directions. Sweep through, acknowledge them with a slight nod. If the lifts or toilets aren't obvious, go for the nearest hallway, then get your bearings. If you leave an impression at all, it should be of a well-dressed lady. You are a businesswoman. 

"Not strictly untrue. 

"Lifts are useful. Time to dig through the purse for a phone, text the agency -- they'll want to know you arrived on time. If you've been running late, they'll let the client know to expect you. Freshen lipgloss if needed; arrange clothing. Never be sweating or looking rushed. Find the door and knock briefly, firmly. 'Darling, hello, pleased to meet you,' you say on entering the room. 'Sorry to keep you waiting.' Whether late or not. Even if you make it bang on time, the customer will have been counting the minutes. If anyone in the room is nervous, it mustn't be you. Coat off, sit down. The client usually offers a drink. Never say no. If nothing else, have a sparkling water. 

"Collect the money before anything starts. One time I forgot to do this. The client laughed. 'You must be new to this,' he said, and when I went in the toilet to clean up afterwards, he stuck the notes in the toaster in his flat. Don't count it in front of him; there'll be time later if you're suspicious. Leave on time. If he wants you to stay longer, he has to ring the manager, arrange the price, and pay you right then. On leaving, a quick kiss. 'An absolute pleasure. I hope to see you again.' Out the front, nod to the staff, as quickly gone as you arrived. Text or ring the agency once out of the hotel. If the manager can't get through, she'll ring the client, then the hotel, her own security if they're nearby, then the police. She knows. She's been in your shoes too. 

"My manager is sweet, an absolute doll. When she asks how it went, I always reply that the client was lovely, a gentleman, even if it's stretching the truth. I wouldn't want her to worry. 

"And sometimes it doesn't go off quite right -- like the time I inadvertently waved goodbye to an underendowed client by waggling my index finger. Cringe. That's okay, perhaps he didn't notice, and there's always next time."